Tag Archives: Michael Phelps

Letterman’s Top 10 3/13/09

Friday’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Ways The GOP Can Become More Hip” (“Late Show,” CBS, 3/13).

10) “Change mascot from an elephant to a can of Mountain Dew.”
9) “Buy one of them computers all the kids are using.”
8 ) “Appoint Michael Phelps Chairman in charge of chillaxing.”
7) “They should totally start a band.”
6) “Change Rush Limbaugh’s name to Spongerush Fatpants.”
5) “Add highlights to combovers and hairpieces.”
4) “Four words: Lil Wayne for Senator.”
3) “Bring back this guy.” (Showed video of former President Bush dancing with an African tribal band).
2) “How ‘bout stealing and ordering hits like when Nixon ran things.”
1) “Fewer reactionary old white guys.”

Letterman’s Top 10 3/12/09

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Messages Left On Bernie Madoff’s Answering Machine” (“Late Show,” CBS, 3/12).

10) “This is Barnes & Noble. I’m sorry, we don’t sell calendars for the year 2159.”
9) “Hey Bernie, I’ve been out of the country — How are my investments doing?”
8 ) “Blockbuster calling, your copies of ‘The Great Escape’ and ‘The Shawshank Redemption’ are overdue.”
7) “Do I have the correct number? Is this 1-800-ASS?”
6) “It’s Ruth — If you go out, remember to swindle some milk and eggs.”
5) “If you’re under house arrest, why aren’t you home?”
4) “Sorry, I didn’t mean to dial your number. I just sat on my phone.”
3) “Hi Bernie, it’s A-Rod’s cousin. You looking to bulk up for prison?”
2) “It’s Michael Phelps. Need something to help you relax?”
1) “It’s George W. Bush. Can I still get in?”

Letterman’s Top 10 2/16/09

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Things Abraham Lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today” (“Late Show,” CBS, 2/16).

10) “Sup?”

9) “See, Madonna’s still a slut.”

8 ) “Who’s that handsome sumbitch on the five?”

7) “Is that free grand slam deal still going on at Denny’s?”

6) “I just changed my Facebook status update to, ‘the ‘ol rail splitter is chillaxing.’”

5) “How do I get on ‘Dancing with the Star?’”

4) “Okay, Obama, you’re from Illinois, too. We get it!”

3) “Hey Phelps, don’t bogart the weed!”

2) “What’s the deal with Joaquin Phoenix?”

1) “A Broadway play? Uh, no thanks. I’m good.”

Letterman’s Top 10 2/9/09

Last night’s Top 10 List was: Top Ten Messages Left on Alex Rodriguez’s Answering Machine:

10) “Hey, it’s Mark McGwire. Want to get together this week and not talk about the past?”

9) “Joe Torre here — thanks for helping book sales”

8 ) “Could you find a steroid that keeps you from choking in the playoffs?”

7) “Are you worried this will taint all the championships you didn’t win?”

6) “It’s Bernie Madoff. Nice try but I’m still the most hated man in New York”

5) “Michael Phelps here. Got any snacks?”

4) “This is Sammy Sosa. Just pretend you don’t speak English”

3) “Michael Phelps again. Did I call you or did you call me?”

2) “Hey, it’s Rod Blagojevich — I’ll say you’re innocent, if you say I am”

1) “It’s Madonna. You got a phone number for Jeter?”

 

Letterman’s Top 10 2/3/09

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Michael Phelps Excuses” (“Late Show,” CBS, 2/3).

10) “Anxious to rid myself of those bothersome billion-dollar endorsements.”
9) “Too much chlorine.”
8 ) “Uh … I thought it was Chapstick.”
7) “Asked myself, ‘What would Chong do?’”
6) “Uh … Glaucoma?”
5) “It’s my last chance to goof off before I have to settle down and get a real swimming job.”
4) “Uh … I got bitten by a groundhog?”
3) “Chillax, Broseph.”
2) “Was doing research for upcoming film ‘Michael and Kumar go to the Olympics.’”
1) “Huh?”