Tag Archives: George W. Bush

Letterman’s Top 10 3/25/09

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Signs You Work For A Bad Company” (“Late Show,” CBS, 3/25).

10) “Workday begins with a pledge of loyalty to Kim Jong Il.”
9) “If you haven’t used your sick days, they infect you with tuberculosis.”
8 ) “They claim an excellent rating from the ‘Better Bidness Bureau.’”
7) “Only office perk is free oxygen.”
6) “Instead of raises, everyone is given raisins.”
5) “CEO recently advised employees to fake their deaths and move to Costa Rica.”
4) “Blew $40(B) in government bailout funds on a state-of-the-art taco bar.”
3) “You spend a lot of time opening for Deep Purple (sorry, that’s a sign you work for the band Bad Company).”
2) “Corporate logo is a handcuffed executive being put in a police cruiser.”
1) “Company gave George W. Bush $7(M) for his memoirs.”

Letterman’s Top 10 3/12/09

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Messages Left On Bernie Madoff’s Answering Machine” (“Late Show,” CBS, 3/12).

10) “This is Barnes & Noble. I’m sorry, we don’t sell calendars for the year 2159.”
9) “Hey Bernie, I’ve been out of the country — How are my investments doing?”
8 ) “Blockbuster calling, your copies of ‘The Great Escape’ and ‘The Shawshank Redemption’ are overdue.”
7) “Do I have the correct number? Is this 1-800-ASS?”
6) “It’s Ruth — If you go out, remember to swindle some milk and eggs.”
5) “If you’re under house arrest, why aren’t you home?”
4) “Sorry, I didn’t mean to dial your number. I just sat on my phone.”
3) “Hi Bernie, it’s A-Rod’s cousin. You looking to bulk up for prison?”
2) “It’s Michael Phelps. Need something to help you relax?”
1) “It’s George W. Bush. Can I still get in?”

Letterman’s Top 10 1/28/09

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Things Overheard at the Meeting Between Barack Obama and the Republicans” (“Late Show,” CBS, 1/28).

10) “I miss the Clinton administration when we’d meet at Hooters.”
9) “Can we wrap this up?  I’ve got tickets to the 4:30 ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop.’”
8 ) “Smoke break!!”
7) “You fellas really need to take it easy on the Old Spice.”
6) “Mr. President: Don’t misunderestimate the Republicans.”
5) “Another smoke break!”
4) “What was the deal with Aretha Franklin’s hat?”
3) “About that tax the rich stuff — you were joking, right?”
2) “Sir, it’s refreshing to have a chief executive who speaks in complete sentences.”
1) “Senator Craig’s offering his stimulus package in the men’s room.”

What’s going through their minds? 1/8/09 (Meeting of the Presidents’ Edition)

Front Cover

From left to right what each president is either saying or thinking in the above picture:

George H.W. Bush:  Perhaps Barack, you can bring some dignity back to this office like me and Bill had.  I really don’t know what happened to that guy in between you and Bill…P.S.  I am sorry.

Barack Obama:  Umm…I don’t know what to say exactly…I mean I guess the moment I get inaugurated my presidency already has more credibility…

George W. Bush: Why isn’t anyone talking to me?  Daddy, don’t you love me anymore?  Oh well, I hope they have tacos at the luncheon…Tacos So Rule!

Bill Clinton:  Yeah, these guys can all kiss my ass.  Thats right kiss my big white New Yor…I mean Arkansas ass.  I am better looking and more successful than you all will ever be.  God, I got some good memories in this office.

Jimmy Carter: I am just surprised I got an invitation.

Letterman’s Top 10 1/7/09

 Last Night’s Top 10 List was:
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Presidents’ Lunch

10) “Sorry, you’re not on the list, Mr. Gore”

9) “If Hillary calls, I’ve been here since Monday”

8 ) “Laura! More Mountain Dew!”

7) “You guys wanna see, ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop’?”

6) “Call the nurse — George swallowed a napkin ring!”

5) “Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that’s right, you have to work!”

4) “Kissey kissey”

3) “Obama? I think he’s downstairs smoking a butt”

2) “Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?”

1) “I hope Clinton’s unbuckling his belt because he’s full” 

Letterman’s Top 10 1/6/09

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Questions” (“Late Show,” CBS, 1/6).

10) “Sup?”
9) “Are you a cop?”
8 ) “Where is the husky section?”
7) “May I call you mommy?”
6) “If we can put a man on the moon, why can’t we make a denture adhesive without the unpleasant aftertaste?”
5) “Why won’t Regis shut up?”
4) “What does it sound like when a monkey sneezes?”
3) “Kisseykissey?”
2) “If I enjoy anonymous airport men’s room sex, does that make me gay?”
1) “Is it January 20th yet?”

Letterman’s Top 10 1/5/09

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Signs You’re Watching Too Much Football” (“Late Show,” CBS, 1/5).

10) “Only fresh air you’ve had this month is opening door for pizza guy.”
9) “You refer to orange juice as FedEx orange juice.”
8 ) “When wife finishes making dinner, you dump jug of Gatorade on her.”
7) “You schedule an appointment to talk to your doctor about Andy Reid’s cholesterol.”
6) “You got a telestrator in the bedroom.”
5) “Three words: Norv Turner tattoo.”
4) “Fantasize about Gisele Bundchen falling in love with you and introducing you to Tom Brady.”
3) “When you go to McDonald’s you insist on ordering the McNabb.”
2) “Laura has to keep reminding you you’re still president for two more weeks.”
1) “To be more like your favorite New York Giant, you shoot yourself in the leg.”

Letterman’s Top 10 12/22/08

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Answers To The Question, ‘How Cold Is It?’” (“Late Show,” CBS, 12/22).

10) “It’s so cold, auto company executives are asking Congress for soup.”
9) “It’s so cold, Tom Cruise is making a movie about a plot to assassinate Al Roker.”
8 ) “It’s so cold, Starbucks is selling an antifreeze macchiato.”
7) “It’s so cold, MSNBC employees gathered around Keith Olbermann’s giant head for warmth.”
6) “It’s so cold, Bernie Madoff was defrauding Eskimos.”
5) “It’s so cold, this morning it took Joe Biden 40 minutes to defrost his hair plugs.”
4) “It’s so cold, OJ led an armed raid to retrieve his space heater.”
3) “It’s so cold, Apple just introduced something called the iScarf.”
2) “It’s so cold, Iraqis are throwing snowshoes at President Bush.”
1) “It’s so cold, Santa said, ‘Screw Christmas’ and took off for Rio.”

Letterman’s Top 10 12/18/08

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Least Popular Holiday Songs.” The list was performed on stage by “The Late Show Cobblestone Carolers” and sung to the tune of popular Christmas songs (“Late Show,” CBS, 12/18).

10) “On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, absolutely nothing, because of the bad economy.” (12 Days of Christmas)
9) “Amy, the red-nosed Winehouse, will need a new liver soon.” (Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer)
8 ) “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But Al Gore tells me we’re all screwed.” (White Christmas)
7) “Biden might, do all right, if his hair plugs stay in tight.” (Silent Night)
6) “Dr. Tannenbaum, Dr. Tannenbaum, is Cialis right for me?” (Oh Tannenbaum)
5) “Deck the halls with illegal payoffs, bla-bla-bla-bla-bla, Blagojevich.” (Deck the Halls)
4) “Ahmadinejad. Ahmadinejad. Ahmadinejad, you set our heart aglow, like a spent fuel rod.” (Feliz Navidad)
3) “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, 1929.” 
2) “I have an irregular heartbeat, pah-rump-puh-puh-pum-pum.” (Little Drummer Boy)
1) “Joy to the world, George Bush is done.”

Letterman’s Top 10 12/17/08

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Things Jim Carrey Will Always Say ‘Yes’ To.” Letterman: “There’s a new movie coming out for the holidays, Jim Carrey is the star, based on a book by a writer in London who decided he would just say ‘yes’ to everything. Too much negativity in the world.” Carrey then appeared via satellite in a bathtub to present the list. Letterman: “Is there a mix-up? Should we come back later? Why exactly are you in the tub there?” Carrey: “Multitasking. Very, very busy” (“Late Show,” CBS, 12/17).

10) “Dressing up like an Iraqi and throwing a shoe at President Bush.”
9) “Watching YouTube videos of guys getting hit in the nuts.”
8 ) “A fan asking for a hug — unless it’s a dude.”
7) “Fresh ground pepper.” Carrey then pulls out a pepper shaker and adds some pepper to his bath.
6) “David Letterman’s drunken requests to see me taking a bath.”
5) “People who ask me to say, ‘All-righty then!’ That never gets old.”
4) “Sex with a big, fat roadside waitress.”
3) “Lucrative endorsement deals: Remember, you’re not fully clean unless you’re Zestfully clean.” Carrey holds up a package of Zest soap.
2) “The question, ‘Aren’t you Jim Carrey, the funniest, sexiest, most talented man in all ofHollywood? And may I pleasure you?’”
1) “Tub time with Larry King.” The real Larry King, in shirt and tie, is shown in the tub with Carrey handing him a champagne glass.

Lyrics of the Day

I was listening to Q104.3, and Meatloaf’s “Paradise by the Dashboard Lights” was playing.  The last lyrics made me think of a time when I was 14 years old, and Bill Clinton was still our President.

“It was long ago and faraway, but its so much better than it is today.”

 

Thanks W.

Letterman’s Top 10 11/25/08

Last night’s “Top Ten” list was “Top Ten Signs President Bush Doesn’t Care Anymore” (“Late Show,” CBS, 11/25).

10)  “Hasn’t taken off his Iron Man costume since Halloween.”
9)  “The menu for the White House Thanksgiving dinner: corn dogs and Beefaroni.”
8 )  “Drew a picture of Garfield on Dick Cheney’s bald head.”
7)  “He’s barely trying to ruin the economy anymore.”
6)  “Spent the entire weekend in the Oval Office pardoning himself.”
5)  “Saw Osama at Arby’s drive-thru but didn’t feel like chasing him.”
4)  “Spends cabinet meetings scanning classified ads for next job.”
3)  “Primary focus is surpassing Hank Paulson’s high score on ‘Guitar Hero.’”
2)  “Asking Obama, ‘How soon can you bail me out of the White House?’”
1)  “Started dating hefty interns.”

Letterman’s Top 10 11/17/08

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Good Things About Being Named James Bond.” The list was read by a New York City substitute teacher named James Bond (“Late Show,” CBS, 11/17).

10) “I’ve made a fortune selling autographed crap on eBay.”
9) “I have amazing gadgets like a clock that’s also a radio.”
8 ) “Lots of admiring looks when they call my table at TGI Friday’s.”
7) “At the movie theater I get a free squirt of chemical butter.”
6) “Once I received a $5,000 residual check that should have gone to Pierce Brosnan.”
5) “Calling my boss ‘M’ instead of Mr. Glickstein.”
4) “When my brother says, ‘Bond, Fred Bond,’ he just sounds like a jerk.”
3) “Always gets a laugh when I order my Jamba Juice shaken, not stirred.”
2) “Halle Barry once accidentally slept with me.”
1) “President Bush keeps calling me about capturing Bin Laden.”

Letterman’s Top 10 11/14/08

Friday night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Signs You’re Watching A Bad Spy Film.” The list was in reference to the opening of the new James Bond film, “Quantum of Solace.” CBS’ David Letterman noted that the 22 James Bond films have netted $4.6B (“Late Show,” CBS, 11/14).

10) “Keeps leaking classified information on his Facebook page.”
9) “He has a license to fish.”
8 ) “It’s set in the dark, dangerous world of photocopier repair.”
7) “Hero’s new high-tech gadget: a shampoo that’s also a conditioner.”
6) “Sexy new Bond girl has 5 kids and a loving husband named Todd.”
5) “Villain’s plot to destroy the world’s financial system is foiled when the bank beats him to it.”
4) “Main character announces, ‘The name’s Bond, Shecky Bond.’”
3) “It’s about a plot to steal the Colonel’s fried chicken recipe.”
2) “‘Jet pack’ looks suspiciously like Hello Kitty backpack.”
1) “He promises to find Osama, yet seven years later, nothing.”

Letterman Top 10 11/13/08

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Highlights of the Dick Cheney/Joe Biden Meeting” (“Late Show,” CBS, 11/13).

10) “Cheney barred the door and yelled, ‘You’ll never take me alive.’”
9) “It was 3 hours of Guitar Hero.”
8 ) “Biden gave Cheney the number for his hair plug guy.”
7) “Enjoyed a nice lunch interrupted by two shotgun blasts and a heart attack.”
6) “Lynne Cheney blinking out in Morse code – ‘Help me. Help me. Help me.’”
5) “Cheney had to leave early to get Bush’s head unstuck from a microwave oven.”
4) “Cheney had a heart attack during a heart attack.”
3) “They agreed ‘The Late Show Fun Facts’ book may just be the thing to bring this country together.”
2) “For about 20 minutes, Cheney’s pacemaker got HBO.”
1) “Upon seeing Biden, Cheney muttered, ‘I was hoping for the Alaskan broad.’”

Letterman Top 10 11/10/08

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Things Overheard During The Bush-Obama Meeting” (“Late Show,” CBS, 11/10).

10) “You sure you want this job?”
9) “Actually, sir, I do mind if you call me ‘Barack-Odile Dundee.’”
8 ) “Let me know if you want the Secret Service to frisk you for fun.”
7) “I appreciate the offer, but you can take the spittoons with you.”
6) “Honest opinion: Would it be a mistake to pardon Amy Winehouse?”
5) “Is that Roger Clinton sleeping on the sofa?”
4) “The red phone is for talking to world leaders, the blue phone is for ordering Domino’s.”
3) “When there’s a big crisis, you might be here as late as 4pm.”
2) “Other than the economy, Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, the deficit, the crumbling infrastructure, our energy policy, Gitmo and global warming, is there anything else I need to fix?”
1) “When can you start?” 

Letterman’s Top 10 11/7/08

Friday night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Things George W. Bush Wants To Accomplish While Still In Office” (“Late Show,” CBS, 11/7).

10) “Finish those little projects he keeps putting off like fixing the economy.”
9) “Get Cheney a ‘goodbye’ defibrillator.”
8 ) “Challenge Lincoln’s ghost to rassle.”
7) “Host farewell mixer for the detainees at Gitmo.”
6) “Now that he’s got nothing to lose, nail a hefty intern.”
5) “Cement his legacy with a two month vacation.”
4) “Put Chuck Norris on the nickel.”
3) “See if Obama can take over sooner, like Tuesday.”
2) “Get Condi laid.”
1) “Hasn’t he done enough already?”