Tag Archives: David Letterman

Letterman’s Top 10 3/25/09

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Signs You Work For A Bad Company” (“Late Show,” CBS, 3/25).

10) “Workday begins with a pledge of loyalty to Kim Jong Il.”
9) “If you haven’t used your sick days, they infect you with tuberculosis.”
8 ) “They claim an excellent rating from the ‘Better Bidness Bureau.’”
7) “Only office perk is free oxygen.”
6) “Instead of raises, everyone is given raisins.”
5) “CEO recently advised employees to fake their deaths and move to Costa Rica.”
4) “Blew $40(B) in government bailout funds on a state-of-the-art taco bar.”
3) “You spend a lot of time opening for Deep Purple (sorry, that’s a sign you work for the band Bad Company).”
2) “Corporate logo is a handcuffed executive being put in a police cruiser.”
1) “Company gave George W. Bush $7(M) for his memoirs.”

Letterman’s Top 10 3/17/09

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear From A Guy Dressed As A Leprechaun” (“Late Show,” CBS, 3/17).

10) “I’m large for a leprechaun because my cousin injected me in the ass with steroids.”
9) “Look, I know I’m 5 months late, but trick or treat.”
8) “Touch my hat and it’s go time.”
7) “This colorful costume distracts you while my buddy steals your purse.”
6) “Last night, I gave your sister a little luck of the Irish.”
5) “I just got laid off from my job as a garden gnome.”
4) “Surprise, you’re on ‘Howie Do It!’”
3) “Hi, are you my blind date?”
2) “I gave my pot of gold to that bastard Bernie Madoff.”
1) “Want to help drive the snake out of my pants?”

Letterman’s Top 10 3/13/09

Friday’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Ways The GOP Can Become More Hip” (“Late Show,” CBS, 3/13).

10) “Change mascot from an elephant to a can of Mountain Dew.”
9) “Buy one of them computers all the kids are using.”
8 ) “Appoint Michael Phelps Chairman in charge of chillaxing.”
7) “They should totally start a band.”
6) “Change Rush Limbaugh’s name to Spongerush Fatpants.”
5) “Add highlights to combovers and hairpieces.”
4) “Four words: Lil Wayne for Senator.”
3) “Bring back this guy.” (Showed video of former President Bush dancing with an African tribal band).
2) “How ‘bout stealing and ordering hits like when Nixon ran things.”
1) “Fewer reactionary old white guys.”

Letterman’s Top 10 3/12/09

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Messages Left On Bernie Madoff’s Answering Machine” (“Late Show,” CBS, 3/12).

10) “This is Barnes & Noble. I’m sorry, we don’t sell calendars for the year 2159.”
9) “Hey Bernie, I’ve been out of the country — How are my investments doing?”
8 ) “Blockbuster calling, your copies of ‘The Great Escape’ and ‘The Shawshank Redemption’ are overdue.”
7) “Do I have the correct number? Is this 1-800-ASS?”
6) “It’s Ruth — If you go out, remember to swindle some milk and eggs.”
5) “If you’re under house arrest, why aren’t you home?”
4) “Sorry, I didn’t mean to dial your number. I just sat on my phone.”
3) “Hi Bernie, it’s A-Rod’s cousin. You looking to bulk up for prison?”
2) “It’s Michael Phelps. Need something to help you relax?”
1) “It’s George W. Bush. Can I still get in?”

Letterman’s Top 10 3/6/09

Friday’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Signs You’re On A Bad Spring Break” (“Late Show,” CBS, 3/6).

10) “Day 6 of vacation and your US Air flight still hasn’t left the Hudson.”
9) “The ‘meal plan’ is anything that washes ashore.”
8 ) “Instead of a mint, maid leaves note on your pillow which reads, ‘Run!’”
7) “Hotel room overlooks the strip — the Gaza Strip.”
6) “The beach is famous for its beautiful white sand and deadly stingray attacks.”
5) “Couldn’t get beer, so everyone gets intoxicated sucking on a Pontiac tailpipe.”
4) “Several things in your room are marked ‘evidence.’”
3) “A perfectly good week at beach is ruined by giant fire-breathing lizards.”
2) “Only person you’ve seen naked is the maintenance guy Eduardo.”
1) “Your girlfriend finally puts out, just not with you.”

Letterman’s Top 10 3/5/09

Last night’s Top Ten list, read by ten players from the U.S. WBC team via satellite, was “Top Ten Reasons To Watch the World Baseball Classic” (“Late Show,” CBS, 3/5).

10) Phillies SS Jimmy Rollins: “Due to the economic crisis, we all have to share the same pair of pants.”
9) Tigers CF Curtis Granderson: “Japan has one of them crazy robot shortstops.”
8 ) Red Sox 2B Dustin Pedroia: “Because it’s an international event, our right fielder is Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.”
7) Braves 3B Chipper Jones: “The winning team plays Neptune in the Galactic Baseball Classic.”
6) Astros P Roy Oswalt: “It’s fascinating seeing how players from other countries scratch themselves.”
5) Nationals 1B Adam Dunn: “You’ll be part of a cherished baseball tradition dating all the way back to 2006.”
4) Brewers LF Ryan Braun: “Because of the metric system, the games will be 6.83 innings.”
3) Red Sox 1B Kevin Youkilis: “Before each game, you get to sit through 30 different national anthems.”
2) Mets 3B David Wright: “Australia’s secret weapon: a fastball-throwin’ kangaroo.”
1) Yankees SS Derek Jeter: “What else are you going to watch, hockey?”

Letterman’s Top 10 3/4/09

Last night’s Top Ten list, read by the members of U2 in-studio, was “Top Ten Things U2 Has Learned Over The Years” (“Late Show,” CBS, 3/4).

10) “A lot of people think I’m the guy who sang with Cher.”
9) “I suck at ‘Guitar Hero.’”
8 ) “Dumb people send us videos all the time. They think we’re YouTube.”
7) “Even my family asks, ‘Are you Adam or Larry?’”
6) “There’s always quite a stir at Applebee’s when they call, ‘U2 — party of four.’”
5) “Cool name: The edge. Uncool name: The itch.”
4) “Melted cheese tastes good on practically everything.”
3) “Sometimes when we shout, ‘Are you ready to rock?!’ I don’t care if you’re ready to rock.”
2) “It’s never too soon to start working on a phony Irish accent.”
1) “Up close, you can totally see Letterman’s hairpiece.”