Tag Archives: Bernie Madoff

Letterman’s Top 10 3/17/09

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear From A Guy Dressed As A Leprechaun” (“Late Show,” CBS, 3/17).

10) “I’m large for a leprechaun because my cousin injected me in the ass with steroids.”
9) “Look, I know I’m 5 months late, but trick or treat.”
8) “Touch my hat and it’s go time.”
7) “This colorful costume distracts you while my buddy steals your purse.”
6) “Last night, I gave your sister a little luck of the Irish.”
5) “I just got laid off from my job as a garden gnome.”
4) “Surprise, you’re on ‘Howie Do It!’”
3) “Hi, are you my blind date?”
2) “I gave my pot of gold to that bastard Bernie Madoff.”
1) “Want to help drive the snake out of my pants?”
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Letterman’s Top 10 3/12/09

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Messages Left On Bernie Madoff’s Answering Machine” (“Late Show,” CBS, 3/12).

10) “This is Barnes & Noble. I’m sorry, we don’t sell calendars for the year 2159.”
9) “Hey Bernie, I’ve been out of the country — How are my investments doing?”
8 ) “Blockbuster calling, your copies of ‘The Great Escape’ and ‘The Shawshank Redemption’ are overdue.”
7) “Do I have the correct number? Is this 1-800-ASS?”
6) “It’s Ruth — If you go out, remember to swindle some milk and eggs.”
5) “If you’re under house arrest, why aren’t you home?”
4) “Sorry, I didn’t mean to dial your number. I just sat on my phone.”
3) “Hi Bernie, it’s A-Rod’s cousin. You looking to bulk up for prison?”
2) “It’s Michael Phelps. Need something to help you relax?”
1) “It’s George W. Bush. Can I still get in?”

Letterman’s Top 10 2/20/09

David Letterman’s Friday night Top 10 list was:  Top Ten Signs Your Film Is Not Going To Win An Academy Award

10) It stars Brad Pitt…but not the famous one

9) To save money on sound effects, gunfights have actors running around yelling, “Kapow!”

8 ) World premiere was on a Greyhound bus from Reno to Topeka

7) It’s titled “The Curious Case of Benjamin Bernanke”

6) It’s got any of the following words in the title: “Paul,” “Blart,” “mall,” or “cop”

5) Half of $70 million budget was spent on craft service meatballs

4) No one wants to see your all-raccoon remake of “The Wizard of Oz”

3) It’s rated “P” for “Piece of crap” (In reality, there is no such rating)

2) Only person who made a profit from your film is Bernie Madoff

1) It’s two hours of Christian Bale swearing at the crew

Letterman’s Top 10 2/13/09

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Valentine” (“Late Show,” CBS, 2/13).

10) “Don’t wait up, honey; I’m spending a bromantic night with Brody Jenner.”
9) “Uhhh, Valentine’s Day is in February this year?”
8 ) “We’re having dinner at my place because I’m under house arrest for a $50 billion Ponzi scheme.”
7) “Please uncuff me.”
6) “I don’t know about you, but I’m sitting on my ass watching ‘Knight Rider.’”
5) “Tonight instead of not having sex, let’s not have sex twice.”
4) “Dear God – You look nothing like your Facebook photo.”
3) “Man, I thought my last boyfriend was hairy.”
2) “Make it quick, I want to catch Leno’s monologue.”
1) “$500 for the hour. $700 if you want anything weird.”

Letterman’s Top 10 2/9/09

Last night’s Top 10 List was: Top Ten Messages Left on Alex Rodriguez’s Answering Machine:

10) “Hey, it’s Mark McGwire. Want to get together this week and not talk about the past?”

9) “Joe Torre here — thanks for helping book sales”

8 ) “Could you find a steroid that keeps you from choking in the playoffs?”

7) “Are you worried this will taint all the championships you didn’t win?”

6) “It’s Bernie Madoff. Nice try but I’m still the most hated man in New York”

5) “Michael Phelps here. Got any snacks?”

4) “This is Sammy Sosa. Just pretend you don’t speak English”

3) “Michael Phelps again. Did I call you or did you call me?”

2) “Hey, it’s Rod Blagojevich — I’ll say you’re innocent, if you say I am”

1) “It’s Madonna. You got a phone number for Jeter?”

 

Letterman’s Top 10 12/23/08

Last night’s Top Ten List was entitled “Top 10 Least Popular Mall Stores”:

10) Old Gravy

9) Bath, Bed, and Blagojevich

8 ) Infected Foot Locker

7) Men’s Big, Tall and Stupid

6) Turban Outfitters

5) JC Penniless (that’s how bad the economy is, people!)

4) Hammacher Schlemmacher Hamma Schlemma Hammaschlemmacher Schlem Schlem

3) Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi Scheme Mart

2) Amy Winehouse House Of Wine

1) Condoleeza’s Secret

Letterman’s Top 10 12/22/08

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Answers To The Question, ‘How Cold Is It?’” (“Late Show,” CBS, 12/22).

10) “It’s so cold, auto company executives are asking Congress for soup.”
9) “It’s so cold, Tom Cruise is making a movie about a plot to assassinate Al Roker.”
8 ) “It’s so cold, Starbucks is selling an antifreeze macchiato.”
7) “It’s so cold, MSNBC employees gathered around Keith Olbermann’s giant head for warmth.”
6) “It’s so cold, Bernie Madoff was defrauding Eskimos.”
5) “It’s so cold, this morning it took Joe Biden 40 minutes to defrost his hair plugs.”
4) “It’s so cold, OJ led an armed raid to retrieve his space heater.”
3) “It’s so cold, Apple just introduced something called the iScarf.”
2) “It’s so cold, Iraqis are throwing snowshoes at President Bush.”
1) “It’s so cold, Santa said, ‘Screw Christmas’ and took off for Rio.”