To Our (Formerly) Athletically-Inclined Readers: Thanks For Dooming Me.

So I’m just sitting here at home fighting a cold, eating Hershey’s caramel filled Kisses, and catching up on the latest juice on the (oh-em-gee) Rihanna & Chris Brown scandal (paparazzi at their proverbial journalistic climax, no?), when I find out from the same glorious Newser page  that’s providing me with RiRi’s mugshots that my very feet are ultimately going to result in my genepool’s demise. I found out my foot-fate from this article on Wired that explains that human evolution will favor those who are physically built to run. Apparently one’s ability to run well depends on the length of one’s toes; if our far-below phalanges are too long, the body wastes energy on countering the impact made on them while running. If your toes are gross and stumpy (okay, maybe they’re just gross because this article made me bitter), you’re more likely to conserve energy while winning that relay because your body doesn’t waste as much juice on stabilizing itself because of your flippers.

Not that I have a thing for feet or whatever, but if you haven’t already thrown up in your mouth a little bit after seeing how crazy long my toes are, I’m sure you’ll notice the second set of fingers I have on my feet the next time we hang out. If the speculations set forth in this article are true, guys, I’m fucked! No one who inherits the genes for my boats is going to be able to run as well as the rest of you, whether it be for getting to the bathroom on time, or for barely outrunning the Po-Po. The worst part is that it’s not like training to run is going to change the length of my toes, so I’m essentially already genetically useless.

So, instead of running away from the truth, har har, let’s discuss. Any thoughts on whether your toes make or break your athletic career?

-double agent


2 responses to “To Our (Formerly) Athletically-Inclined Readers: Thanks For Dooming Me.

  1. polisciafterparty

    Considering you played for a second rate golf team that couldn’t win the city championship like your male counterparts…I don’t think your toes matter that much. 😛

    -The Conzz

  2. polisciafterparty

    While I have short a stubby toes, I am not exactly what you would call fleet of foot. It seems my genetic advantage, toe-wise, is counter-balanced by my genetic disadvantage, being a pudgy fat kid.

    I never had an issue throwing shot because of my toes, although I think having longer digits would have increased my balance a little. And with softball, I don’t think it hinders me much. My short, pudgy fingers, on the other hand, have continuously tried to ruin me. Hooray.

    Much love as always,

    PS – in regard to the above comment…BURN!!!

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