Letterman’s Top 10 3/25/09

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Signs You Work For A Bad Company” (“Late Show,” CBS, 3/25).

10) “Workday begins with a pledge of loyalty to Kim Jong Il.”

9) “If you haven’t used your sick days, they infect you with tuberculosis.”

8 ) “They claim an excellent rating from the ‘Better Bidness Bureau.’”

7) “Only office perk is free oxygen.”

6) “Instead of raises, everyone is given raisins.”

5) “CEO recently advised employees to fake their deaths and move to Costa Rica.”

4) “Blew $40(B) in government bailout funds on a state-of-the-art taco bar.”

3) “You spend a lot of time opening for Deep Purple (sorry, that’s a sign you work for the band Bad Company).”

2) “Corporate logo is a handcuffed executive being put in a police cruiser.”

1) “Company gave George W. Bush $7(M) for his memoirs.”

Letterman’s Top 10 3/17/09

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear From A Guy Dressed As A Leprechaun” (“Late Show,” CBS, 3/17).

10) “I’m large for a leprechaun because my cousin injected me in the ass with steroids.”

9) “Look, I know I’m 5 months late, but trick or treat.”

“Touch my hat and it’s go time.”

7) “This colorful costume distracts you while my buddy steals your purse.”

6) “Last night, I gave your sister a little luck of the Irish.”

5) “I just got laid off from my job as a garden gnome.”

4) “Surprise, you’re on ‘Howie Do It!’”

3) “Hi, are you my blind date?”

2) “I gave my pot of gold to that bastard Bernie Madoff.”

1) “Want to help drive the snake out of my pants?”

Letterman’s Top 10 3/13/09

Friday’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Ways The GOP Can Become More Hip” (“Late Show,” CBS, 3/13).

10) “Change mascot from an elephant to a can of Mountain Dew.”

9) “Buy one of them computers all the kids are using.”

8 ) “Appoint Michael Phelps Chairman in charge of chillaxing.”

7) “They should totally start a band.”

6) “Change Rush Limbaugh’s name to Spongerush Fatpants.”

5) “Add highlights to combovers and hairpieces.”

4) “Four words: Lil Wayne for Senator.”

3) “Bring back this guy.” (Showed video of former President Bush dancing with an African tribal band).

2) “How ‘bout stealing and ordering hits like when Nixon ran things.”

1) “Fewer reactionary old white guys.”

frazzled over twitter

Can someone please explain to me – either in a comment or a whole new post altogether – what the point of Twitter is? I signed up for an account but can’t figure out why anyone could possibly need it as a social networking tool, or what I’m supposed to do with it overall.

+5 points, maybe some chocolate chip cookies, and lots of hugs to the first person who can sell me on the twitter crack phenomenon. thanks, love, amy.

Letterman’s Top 10 3/12/09

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Messages Left On Bernie Madoff’s Answering Machine” (“Late Show,” CBS, 3/12).

10) “This is Barnes & Noble. I’m sorry, we don’t sell calendars for the year 2159.”

9) “Hey Bernie, I’ve been out of the country — How are my investments doing?”

8 ) “Blockbuster calling, your copies of ‘The Great Escape’ and ‘The Shawshank Redemption’ are overdue.”

7) “Do I have the correct number? Is this 1-800-ASS?”

6) “It’s Ruth — If you go out, remember to swindle some milk and eggs.”

5) “If you’re under house arrest, why aren’t you home?”

4) “Sorry, I didn’t mean to dial your number. I just sat on my phone.”

3) “Hi Bernie, it’s A-Rod’s cousin. You looking to bulk up for prison?”

2) “It’s Michael Phelps. Need something to help you relax?”

1) “It’s George W. Bush. Can I still get in?”

Letterman’s Top 10 3/6/09

Friday’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Signs You’re On A Bad Spring Break” (“Late Show,” CBS, 3/6).

10) “Day 6 of vacation and your US Air flight still hasn’t left the Hudson.”

9) “The ‘meal plan’ is anything that washes ashore.”

8 ) “Instead of a mint, maid leaves note on your pillow which reads, ‘Run!’”

7) “Hotel room overlooks the strip — the Gaza Strip.”

6) “The beach is famous for its beautiful white sand and deadly stingray attacks.”

5) “Couldn’t get beer, so everyone gets intoxicated sucking on a Pontiac tailpipe.”

4) “Several things in your room are marked ‘evidence.’”

3) “A perfectly good week at beach is ruined by giant fire-breathing lizards.”

2) “Only person you’ve seen naked is the maintenance guy Eduardo.”

1) “Your girlfriend finally puts out, just not with you.”

Letterman’s Top 10 3/5/09

Last night’s Top Ten list, read by ten players from the U.S. WBC team via satellite, was “Top Ten Reasons To Watch the World Baseball Classic” (“Late Show,” CBS, 3/5).

10) Phillies SS Jimmy Rollins: “Due to the economic crisis, we all have to share the same pair of pants.”

9) Tigers CF Curtis Granderson: “Japan has one of them crazy robot shortstops.”

8 ) Red Sox 2B Dustin Pedroia: “Because it’s an international event, our right fielder is Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.”

7) Braves 3B Chipper Jones: “The winning team plays Neptune in the Galactic Baseball Classic.”

6) Astros P Roy Oswalt: “It’s fascinating seeing how players from other countries scratch themselves.”

5) Nationals 1B Adam Dunn: “You’ll be part of a cherished baseball tradition dating all the way back to 2006.”

4) Brewers LF Ryan Braun: “Because of the metric system, the games will be 6.83 innings.”

3) Red Sox 1B Kevin Youkilis: “Before each game, you get to sit through 30 different national anthems.”

2) Mets 3B David Wright: “Australia’s secret weapon: a fastball-throwin’ kangaroo.”

1) Yankees SS Derek Jeter: “What else are you going to watch, hockey?”

Letterman’s Top 10 3/4/09

Last night’s Top Ten list, read by the members of U2 in-studio, was “Top Ten Things U2 Has Learned Over The Years” (“Late Show,” CBS, 3/4).

10) “A lot of people think I’m the guy who sang with Cher.”

9) “I suck at ‘Guitar Hero.’”

8 ) “Dumb people send us videos all the time. They think we’re YouTube.”

7) “Even my family asks, ‘Are you Adam or Larry?’”

6) “There’s always quite a stir at Applebee’s when they call, ‘U2 — party of four.’”

5) “Cool name: The edge. Uncool name: The itch.”

4) “Melted cheese tastes good on practically everything.”

3) “Sometimes when we shout, ‘Are you ready to rock?!’ I don’t care if you’re ready to rock.”

2) “It’s never too soon to start working on a phony Irish accent.”

1) “Up close, you can totally see Letterman’s hairpiece.”

Random Things Brewing… and No, Not Like That, You Smelly Boys

Hi loves,

I’m addicted to Newser because I find it provides myriad news topics that I wouldn’t normally see if I weren’t browsing the NYT (although the Times is my BFF). Thus, I thought I’d provide you with a link to this article to get your thoughts on it. In brief, the article is related to a German auto supplier whose request for government bailout money was recently denied due to the company’s usage of slave labor & “Auschwitz cloth” during WWII. Now, I understand the German government’s staunch opposition to condoning anything Holocaust related these days (trust me, six months basically full time at the Museum would convert ANYONE – no pun intended), but my question is this: should a company that DOESN’T allow these human rights violations now be penalized for practices done almost 70 years ago – practices that, when put in context, were inevitable to ensure the company’s survival? Certainly, it goes without saying that neither presently nor retroactively do I endorse human rights violations. However… think of the culture of terror that revolved around the Reich. The presumably hundreds – if not thousands – of Catholic/Gentile employees of that company would’ve been killed if they objected to Hitler & Eichmann’s practices. Essentially, could you blame them for allowing the usage of Auschwitz hair in their factories? Plenty of enterprises throughout Hitler’s occupied Europe used the goods that came from the camps. This was, in retrospect, some sort of a survival tactic. Should the current Schaeffler directors & employees be deprived of necessary governmental assistance because of something that was essentially required decades ago to ensure the survival of their employer?

(Sorry. Y’all know I <3 Holocaust history. Also, the hair is, hands down, the scariest thing I saw at the Auschwitz exhibit – there’s ONE red braid laying on top of the rest – so my apologies for going on about this. But please comment… I always wonder if my perspective on this is whack.)

Second, I’ve noticed an astonishingly stupid trend among DC drivers in the last few months. As I basically drive around the District for a living, I can’t help but yell at dumb GW hoez & broz for their total failure to drive correctly: failure to wait their turn at 4-way stop signs, failure to lay off the fucking horn, failure to acknowledge you when you do them a favor in traffic. (Sorry for my GW jab – but does anyone really care about those dbags anyway??) However, I think the dumbest trend I’ve observed young drivers following is their tendency to wear their iPod earbuds while driving. AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THIS IS ABSURD??! Not only are these fucktards oblivious to my right of way at any particular moment, but they’re also oblivious to a conscientious driver like myself honking at them to warn them of an accident because they’ve got Ben Kweller / Gwen Stefani / Dave Matthews blasting in their ears. WTF?! Does anyone else find this as irresponsible as I do?

Okay, I’m done. Time for beddy bye. Gnite lovers. -Double Agent.

Letterman’s Top 10 3/3/09

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Signs Your Stockbroker is Losing It” (“Late Show,” CBS, 3/3).

10) His “office” is in the patio section at Wal-Mart
9) Assures you President McCain will lower interest rates
8 ) Buys 15,000 shares of a company called “Gogle”
7) He has a seat on the Bayonne Stock Exchange
6) When you ask him what he thinks about the market, he does this: “meow”
5) Last week, got into a shouting match with his calculator
4) Claims to be the bastard child of Merill and Lynch
3) When the opening bell rings, he screams, “Fire!”
2) Makes you call him “mommy” so he can list you as a dependent
1) During the day he handles your money; at night he handles your wife

Paper Ballots in Staten Island…shades of Florida 2000 in NYC

Last week, the 49th City Council District of New York City had a special election to determine who would replace Mike McMahon who was elected to the United States Congress back in November.  Just days before the election one candidate John Tabacco was taken off the ballot for not having legitimate signatures for his petitions.  A day before the election, the Board of Elections ruled to overturn the decision and place Tabacco back on the ballot.  With the voting machines already made up, this forced voters in the 49th to use paper ballots since Tabacco was not on the machine.  The rest…well this is where the fun begins. 

After what seemed like an endless plea to get himself on the ballot, Tabacco ended up finishing fourth behind projected winner Ken Mitchell, Debi Rose, and Rev. Tony Baker.  However, due to the paper ballots a significant number of votes were left in limbo due to voter errors.  The ballot called for the voter to fill in one oval completely.  However, several voters out of the 11,000 filled in all the ovals, filled in no ovals, or placed a circle around or an X for their votes.

The ballots with all names filled in or no names filled were automatically thrown out.  However, the votes with a circle or an X are now up for debate.  As of election night, Mitchell claimed victory with a 240 vote lead over Rose.  However, the Staten Island Advance reported the lead shrank down to 48 after a few absentees ballots were counted with 395 ballots left to be counted.  

This race can go on for months.  We could have courts deciding different rulings about allowing different ballots to count or not.  However, both candidates have agreed to let any recount run its course.  For the 49th Council District however….they are left in limbo.

Shaolin’s Finest: Salvatore Ballarino, Member of Staten Island’s Community Education Council

Care of the Advance:

Several people have asked him to stop.

But as of today, Salvatore Ballarino was still forwarding e-mails of jokes that make him chuckle — and that, at times, make others feel very uncomfortable.

“I just sent six or seven out today,” he said. “If I get an e-mail and I think it’s funny, I’m going to send it out.”

Many people are questioning Ballarino’s judgment after the member of the all-volunteer Community Education Council District 31 forwarded an e-mail that has put Staten Island’s African American community into a fury.

What are the jokes you ask? Well, see one of the cartoons after the jump.

Letterman’s Top 10 3/2/09

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Things Overheard In New York During Today’s Snowstorm” (“Late Show,” CBS, 3/2).

10) “The snow is falling as fast as the Dow.”

9) “It’s nice to see the streets glistening with something besides urine.”

8 ) “I just got fined 50 bucks for groping a snowman.”

7) “We’ll have to postpone the annual garbage pickup until next year.”

6) “My cousin brought back some primo rock salt from the Dominican.”

5) “Starbucks is selling something called a ‘Slushaccino.’”

4) “Al Gore can suck it!”

3) “Look, there’s Letterman — get him!”

2) “No officer, I offered her $50 to blow on my hands.”

1) “Regis attached a snowblower to his rascal scooter.”