To Our (Formerly) Athletically-Inclined Readers: Thanks For Dooming Me.

So I’m just sitting here at home fighting a cold, eating Hershey’s caramel filled Kisses, and catching up on the latest juice on the (oh-em-gee) Rihanna & Chris Brown scandal (paparazzi at their proverbial journalistic climax, no?), when I find out from the same glorious Newser page  that’s providing me with RiRi’s mugshots that my very feet are ultimately going to result in my genepool’s demise. I found out my foot-fate from this article on Wired that explains that human evolution will favor those who are physically built to run. Apparently one’s ability to run well depends on the length of one’s toes; if our far-below phalanges are too long, the body wastes energy on countering the impact made on them while running. If your toes are gross and stumpy (okay, maybe they’re just gross because this article made me bitter), you’re more likely to conserve energy while winning that relay because your body doesn’t waste as much juice on stabilizing itself because of your flippers.

Not that I have a thing for feet or whatever, but if you haven’t already thrown up in your mouth a little bit after seeing how crazy long my toes are, I’m sure you’ll notice the second set of fingers I have on my feet the next time we hang out. If the speculations set forth in this article are true, guys, I’m fucked! No one who inherits the genes for my boats is going to be able to run as well as the rest of you, whether it be for getting to the bathroom on time, or for barely outrunning the Po-Po. The worst part is that it’s not like training to run is going to change the length of my toes, so I’m essentially already genetically useless.

So, instead of running away from the truth, har har, let’s discuss. Any thoughts on whether your toes make or break your athletic career?

-double agent

Letterman’s Top 10 2/20/09

David Letterman’s Friday night Top 10 list was:  Top Ten Signs Your Film Is Not Going To Win An Academy Award

10) It stars Brad Pitt…but not the famous one

9) To save money on sound effects, gunfights have actors running around yelling, “Kapow!”

8 ) World premiere was on a Greyhound bus from Reno to Topeka

7) It’s titled “The Curious Case of Benjamin Bernanke”

6) It’s got any of the following words in the title: “Paul,” “Blart,” “mall,” or “cop”

5) Half of $70 million budget was spent on craft service meatballs

4) No one wants to see your all-raccoon remake of “The Wizard of Oz”

3) It’s rated “P” for “Piece of crap” (In reality, there is no such rating)

2) Only person who made a profit from your film is Bernie Madoff

1) It’s two hours of Christian Bale swearing at the crew

Letterman’s Top 10 2/18/09

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Things Overheard At Kim Jong Il’s Campaign Headquarters” (“Late Show,” CBS, 2/19).

10) “How do we improve perfection?”

9) “Maybe it would help your likeability if you would stop killing people.”

8 ) “Remind voters there have been no Godzilla attacks on my watch.”

7) “After promising nuclear Armageddon, throw in a folksy, ‘You betcha.’”

6) “Remind people you come from Pyongyang just like Kim Jong-Lincoln.”

5) “Korean food again?”

4) “Maybe we should hire a new chairman and move Kim to 10pm.”

3) “‘Get a load of that bodacious booty!’ (Sorry, that was overheard at Kim Kardashian’s house).”

2) “With 0% of the precincts reporting, you’ve won in a landslide.”

1) “Hillary’s running against me?”

Letterman’s Top 10 2/17/09

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Wants To Accomplish On Her Trip Overseas” (“Late Show,” CBS, 2/17).

10) “Exchange U.S. dollars for currency that’s worth something.”

9) “Win respect defeating Japan’s top-ranked sumo wrestler.”

8 ) “Shift world’s perception of America from ‘hated’ to ‘extremely disliked.’”

7) “Personally thank all of her illegal campaign donors.”

6) “Three words: stylish Indonesian pantsuits.”

5) “Visit burial site of revered Chinese military leader, General Tso.”

4) “Get drunk with that Japanese finance minister guy.”

3) “Convince China to switch from lead-tainted products to mercury-tainted products.”

2) “Catch Chinese screening of Benjamin Button entitled ‘The Strange Adventures of Freaky Grandpa Baby.’”

1) “Pick up carton of duty-free smokes for Obama.”

Letterman’s Top 10 2/16/09

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Things Abraham Lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today” (“Late Show,” CBS, 2/16).

10) “Sup?”

9) “See, Madonna’s still a slut.”

8 ) “Who’s that handsome sumbitch on the five?”

7) “Is that free grand slam deal still going on at Denny’s?”

6) “I just changed my Facebook status update to, ‘the ‘ol rail splitter is chillaxing.’”

5) “How do I get on ‘Dancing with the Star?’”

4) “Okay, Obama, you’re from Illinois, too. We get it!”

3) “Hey Phelps, don’t bogart the weed!”

2) “What’s the deal with Joaquin Phoenix?”

1) “A Broadway play? Uh, no thanks. I’m good.”

Letterman’s Top 10 2/13/09

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Valentine” (“Late Show,” CBS, 2/13).

10) “Don’t wait up, honey; I’m spending a bromantic night with Brody Jenner.”

9) “Uhhh, Valentine’s Day is in February this year?”

8 ) “We’re having dinner at my place because I’m under house arrest for a $50 billion Ponzi scheme.”

7) “Please uncuff me.”

6) “I don’t know about you, but I’m sitting on my ass watching ‘Knight Rider.’”

5) “Tonight instead of not having sex, let’s not have sex twice.”

4) “Dear God – You look nothing like your Facebook photo.”

3) “Man, I thought my last boyfriend was hairy.”

2) “Make it quick, I want to catch Leno’s monologue.”

1) “$500 for the hour. $700 if you want anything weird.”

Letterman’s Top 10 2/12/09

Last night’s Top Ten list, read by the Jonas Brothers in-studio, was “Surprising Facts About The Jonas Brothers” (“Late Show,” CBS, 2/12).

10) “Our new 3D concert film puts you right in the middle of a six-hour tour bus ride fromPittsburgh to Albany.”

9) “Often we are astonished by how adorable we are.”

8 ) “Sometimes we lather, rinse, repeat, and then repeat again!”

7) “Last Sunday night, I won a Grammy for ‘Best New Jonas.’”

6) “Osama said he’d come out of hiding if we’d meet his 15-year-old niece.”

5) “One time when we were on the road, things got really crazy and we stayed up until 10:30.”

4) “We’ve seen ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop’ 27 times.”

3) “Once a week we get mail for Dr. Joyce Brothers.”

2) “We have no idea who that old dude behind the desk is.”

1) “A couple years back, Angelina Jolie tried to adopt us.”

Letterman’s Top 10 2/9/09

Last night’s Top 10 List was: Top Ten Messages Left on Alex Rodriguez’s Answering Machine:

10) ”Hey, it’s Mark McGwire. Want to get together this week and not talk about the past?”

9) ”Joe Torre here — thanks for helping book sales”

8 ) ”Could you find a steroid that keeps you from choking in the playoffs?”

7) ”Are you worried this will taint all the championships you didn’t win?”

6) ”It’s Bernie Madoff. Nice try but I’m still the most hated man in New York”

5) ”Michael Phelps here. Got any snacks?”

4) ”This is Sammy Sosa. Just pretend you don’t speak English”

3) ”Michael Phelps again. Did I call you or did you call me?”

2) ”Hey, it’s Rod Blagojevich — I’ll say you’re innocent, if you say I am”

1) ”It’s Madonna. You got a phone number for Jeter?”

A-Rod, A-Fraud?

I’m not here to pile on A-Rod about how terrible he is. I should say that I am somewhat disappointed by his admission. His success and, hopefully, subsequent erasure of Bonds’ mark from the books, would allow us to get past the steroid era. He was the clean batting machine. That said, what do you Yankee fans think? There has been some harsh rhetoric about A-Rod behavior-I’ve even seen in at least two places a call for the Yankees to part ways with him and eat the contrac “to make a statement.” I think that is a stupid move, but can see the other side of the argument. Anyway, any thoughts?

Letterman’s Top 10 2/5/09

Last night’s Top Ten list, presented by rapper Lil Wayne via satellite, was “Reasons I’m Looking Forward to the Grammy Awards” (“Late Show,” CBS, 2/5).

10) “By thanking family and friends on air, I can save money on my long-distance calls.”

9) “In the course of the evening I’m hoping to marry and divorce Amy Winehouse.”

8 ) “I’m nominated in the category of ‘Lillest Wayne.’”

7) “I get to hang with the Jonas Brothers.  Have you seen those guys?  They’re adorable.”

6) “Watching Madonna ask for the senior citizen’s discount at the bar.”

5) “The U.S. Airways pilot is going to land a plane on the stage.”

4) “The green room crabcakes are in the shape of Beyonce’s booty.”

3) “It’ll be more exciting than my usual Sunday night of watching ‘Desperate Housewives’ in my underpants.”

2) “In these tough times, Americans will appreciate the chance to watch a bunch of rich people kiss each other’s asses for three hours.”

1) “Winners who talk too much get tased.”

Christ.

The election night embarrassment/saga continues…

Alie Kamara, the Staten Island teen-ager beaten up in a racially motivated Election Night attack in Stapleton, has been arrested for allegedly stealing a car.

The 17-year-old, who was beaten with a baseball bat on his way home after President Obama was elected Nov. 4, was busted near his home after reportedly pilfering a Nissan Altima, according to a law enforcement source. Kamara was spotted by police as the driver.

Police noticed the stolen car Monday night after it ran a red light at the intersection of Van Duzer and Beach Streets in Stapleton but when they tried pulling it over, it collided with a Hyundai Santa Fe and caused it to flip over.

Staten Island Advance/Mike ShaneEmergency workers tend to an accident scene Monday night where the stolen Altima caused another car to flip over.

Both vehicles then slammed into a Subaru Legacy traveling west on Beach. The car’s occupants, which allegedly included Kamara, took off.

What I think is so depressing about this whole incident- election night beating included- is that to the outside world, Staten Island is the place where the racist white kids found a black president to be so enraging that they went on an assault spree. Now, because of the victim’s misfeasance, Staten Island’s racists now have a convenient- if somewhat meaningless- justification for their tacit support for the assault artists. Nobody wins. What could have been a small lesson to Staten Island that perhaps we really are somewhat behind in the realm of tolerance and maturity has turned into a total wash. Our victim is, at least allegedly, a grand larcenist. No reason to worry about those people anymore. Or so the story goes.

Letterman’s Top 10 2/3/09

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Michael Phelps Excuses” (“Late Show,” CBS, 2/3).

10) “Anxious to rid myself of those bothersome billion-dollar endorsements.”

9) “Too much chlorine.”

8 ) “Uh … I thought it was Chapstick.”

7) “Asked myself, ‘What would Chong do?’”

6) “Uh … Glaucoma?”

5) “It’s my last chance to goof off before I have to settle down and get a real swimming job.”

4) “Uh … I got bitten by a groundhog?”

3) “Chillax, Broseph.”

2) “Was doing research for upcoming film ‘Michael and Kumar go to the Olympics.’”

1) “Huh?”

A Perfect Month

I was bored in class today and noticed on my ICal that this month is what only could be described as a Perfect February (or perhaps, a perfect month- which by definition can only be February). My guess is that this type of month happens once every seven years (though every fourth cycle of the seven years doesn’t have one…or something like that). Anyway, it’s the only month that fits squarely in four lines of the calendar. Each Saturday is a multiple of seven and it leads, necessarily, into a March whose Saturdays do the same.Cool stuff. Kinda.

Even Staten Island’s Groundhog Chuck tells Bloomberg how he feels about term limits…

 

Staten Island Chuck lets Mayor Bloomberg know how he feels about extending term limits…also proves the Staten Island sense of entitlement is strong even with the animals.  Chuck proves that with taking a bite out of Mike.