Letterman’s Top 10 1/28/09

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Things Overheard at the Meeting Between Barack Obama and the Republicans” (“Late Show,” CBS, 1/28).

10) “I miss the Clinton administration when we’d meet at Hooters.”

9) “Can we wrap this up?  I’ve got tickets to the 4:30 ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop.’”

8 ) “Smoke break!!”

7) “You fellas really need to take it easy on the Old Spice.”

6) “Mr. President: Don’t misunderestimate the Republicans.”

5) “Another smoke break!”

4) “What was the deal with Aretha Franklin’s hat?”

3) “About that tax the rich stuff — you were joking, right?”

2) “Sir, it’s refreshing to have a chief executive who speaks in complete sentences.”

1) “Senator Craig’s offering his stimulus package in the men’s room.”

Letterman’s Top 10 1/27/09

Last Night’s Top 10 List was: Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image

10) Star in new television series, “America’s Funniest Haircuts”
9) Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop
8 ) Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like “BLAGOOOOYYYYYJEVICH”
7) Offer a senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest
6) Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich for hot Malkovich-Brockovich-Blagojevich sex tape
5) Change his name to Barod Obamavich
4) Safely land an Airbus on the Hudson River
3) I don’t know…how about showing up for his impeachment trial?
2) Wear sexy dresses, high heels and say, “You Betcha!” a lot
1) Uhhh…resign?

No Crosby? The NHL’s All-Star Opportunity

Let me start out by saying….I have a man-crush on Sidney Crosby.  I am a self-admitted bandwagon Pittsburgh Penguins fan because of Sidney Crosby.  And most of all, Sidney Crosby might have single handedly started the process to save the NHL.  However even without him in the game, the NHL might have a great opportunity to do some terrific marketing of other great players in this year’s All-Star game.

I will first off admit, straight off the bat, ratings will be down.  Sidney Crosby has become the face of the NHL.  Even though he is behind Evegeni Malkin and only one point ahead of Alex Ovechkin, he is still the most synonymous name with the NHL today.

So why is this a great opportunity?   While listening to Michael Kay on 1050 ESPN Radio in NYC today, his co-host Don LeGreca brought up a great point: this will allow the league to market other players.  For instance, a players like Pittsburgh’s Malkin and Washington’s Ovechkin.  These guys are great players but are separated by a language barrier since they are not fluent in the English language.  However, these guys help make the sport more marketable worldwide.  Audiences from Russia will tune in to watch their native countrymen play.  However, the NHL’s Crosby-centric marketing scheme is all about who else?…Crosby.  The NHL could provide exposure in a Crosby-less All Star game to let audiences know these players actually have either better or equal stats.  One opportunity to expand American and International markets.

Another opportunity comes with Calgary’s Jarome Iginla.  The NHL has been known to be a ‘white man’s’ sport.  Iginla is an African-Canadian (he was born in Canada so he can not be African-American).  Exposure of Iginla could easily help the NHL expand into the African-American demographic.  Provide them with an icon for children to look up to.  Not necessarily like a Tiger Woods, but along the lines of a black figure in hockey who breaks the stereotype of hockey being a white man’s sport.  For a young African-American child looking to play hockey, the NHL can use Iginla as inspiration for them to break into the sport.

Finally, exposure of players in smaller markets.  The San Jose Sharks are having a tremendous year.  They have a 5 point lead over the rest of their conference.  A player like Joe Thornton can easily be overlooked because the NHL is too concern with marketing the likes of Crosby, the original six, and the Detroit Red Wings.  It will not be every year that the NHL will be blessed with the Red Wings and the Penguins in the Stanley Cup Finals.  Remember we had Edmonton and Carolina a few years back.  Exposing players in markets like San Jose, the Canadian cities, Colombus, etc. can help the NHL boost ratings when NBC and Versus are stuck with a Tampa Bay-Calgary Stanley Cup.

So there you have it.  The NHL has a golden opportunity to break through its Crosby-centric marketing scheme.  Sure, Crosby is their biggest strength.  Yes, Crosby not playing in the All Star game will hurt the league and is one of the bigger weaknesses facing the league this season.  However, a strong marketing push of players like Iginla, Thornton, Ovechkin, and Malkin can help the league establish icons for the sport throughout the country….as well as the world.

Terrorist Fisting, er, Fist Jabbing?

Hat Tip to Kate on this one:

End Zone Spirituality?

Perhaps because they are embracing the spirit of granting special privileges to individuals who do certain, otherwise prohibited things for religious reasons (see: Free-exercise clause), or perhaps because they are  just trying to avoid a backlash from the Christian Right (more likely), the NFL has declared that end zone dances during the Super Bowl that involve going down on one’s knees are prohibited. Unless, of course, you’re “praising the Lord”:

The whole issue is, you can’t go to the ground on your knees or with your hand or anything. There’s only one time that you’re going to be allowed to go on your knee after you score like this, and that’s when you want to praise the Lord. If you do that, then I’m going to allow that, because I do not want to be struck by lightning, I promise you that. We will allow that.

Stephen Dubner over at Freakonomics points out that this may be ripe for an attack from the American Humanist Association. Would they be right to combat it? Even if they would be “right”, would it be a strategically wise decision?

Breaking News: Barack Obama is Officially President

After yesterday’s bumbling, the Chief Justice re-administered the Oath of Office to President (-Elect?) Obama this evening. The Constitution is very clear about the importance of the Presidential Oath of Office (“Before he enter on the execution of his office, he shall take the following oath or affirmation:–”I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States”). I am glad to hear it’s official.

President Obama took the oath of office — again — on Wednesday, out of an abundance of caution, a White House official said.

“We believe that the oath of office was administered effectively and that the president was sworn in appropriately yesterday. But the oath appears in the Constitution itself. And out of an abundance of caution, because there was one word out of sequence, Chief Justice Roberts administered the oath a second time,” said White House Counsel Greg Craig in a statement early Wednesday night.

History in the Making

So tomorrow is a pretty big day. Anyone care to share their favorite moment of the preceding election cycle (general or primary)? My favorite moment has to be Obama’s victory and subsequent speech in Iowa. It was the speech that was cut into the will.i.am video. Anyway, I’d like to hear anyone else’s favorite moments. Here’s mine:

Letterman’s Top 10 1/16/09

Here is Friday Night’s Top 10 List:  Top Ten Signs Obama’s Getting Nervous

10) New slogan: “Yes we can… or maybe not, it’s hard to say”
9) In moment of confusion, requested a $300 billion bailout from the bailout industry
8 ) He’s up to not smoking three packs a day
7) Friends say he’s looking frail, shaky and…no, that’s McCain
6) He’s so stressed, doctors say he’s developing a Sanjay in his Gupta
5) Been walking around muttering, “What the hell have I gotten myself into?”
4) Offered Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, $100,000 to buy his old Senate seat back
3) Standing on White House roof screaming, “Save us, Superman!”
2) Sweating like Bill Clinton when Hillary comes home early
 1) He demanded a recount

Suprisingly Lame Video of Water Landing

Put out by the coast guard:

Does anyone else see something wrong with this?

The girl picture above, who rolls under the pseudonym Natalie Dylan, is currently auctioning off her virginity to the highest bidder, whose efforts have raised the value of her unscathed you-know-what to an alleged $3.7 million. That is, until the auction is over — or the authorities butt in. (No pun intended.)

The moral issue with this isn’t because she (ironically) graduated from college with a degree in women’s studies. Nor is it because she is inspired to complete this task because of her sister, who raised enough money to pay for her own undergraduate career entirely through prostituting herself for a few months. In fact, the moral issue of this lies in the fact that her actions are totally legal.

Yep. You read correctly: this girl cannot be stopped from ebay’ing her chastity belt/integrity. The legal feasibility of her mission lies in her auctioning off her untouched box from Nevada, specifically – a place whose nasty, fabulous happenings stay there once they’ve occured.

(As a sidenote, the PSAP lot should totally, totally plan a trip to LV soon. Anyone else down? I think it’s a fabulous idea. I hear it’s meant for lovers, cheap bastards, and youngins destined to have debilitating vices in their lives in the near future.)

The feds apparently can’t do a thing to stop Ms. Dylan, as prostitution is legal in the state of Nevada. The best part about this case? She’s going to use the money to further her studies in women’s education by pursuing a MA in Family & Parenting studies.

WTF?! what do you think? love, DA.

Baracklyn Cyclones? How the sports world is capitalizing on the election..

A minor league team in Brooklyn, NY, the Brooklyn Cyclones, on June 23 will have a night where they will known as the “Baracklyn Cyclones”.  This is a night where they will celebrate the election of last year as well as the election of Barack Obama as President of the United States.

BARACKLYN CYCLONES

The June 23rd festivities will feature: 

• Alternate red, white, and blue jerseys adorned with the team’s new name 
  
• FREE Barack Obama bobbleheads to the first 2,500 fans in attendance, featuring the President in a Baracklyn Cyclones Jersey 
  
• The Economic Stimulus Package: From 10am on January 20th – Inauguration Day – to midnight on January 23rd, ticket prices for the June 23rd game will be “rolled back” to the Cyclones’ inaugural 2001 season rates: $10 Field Box Seats, $8 Box Seats, $5 Bleacher Seats. Beginning January 24th, tickets will be priced at the regular 2009 rates ($15, $12, $8) 
  
• Universal Health Care: Free Band-Aids to the first 1,000 fans 
  
• Naming Rights: Anyone named Barack gets in for free (Bring your ID on the night of the game) 
  
• Joe the Plumber special: any plumber named Joe gets two free tickets – one for himself, and one to “spread the wealth” with a friend (Bring your ID and a business card or proof of employment on the night of the game) 
  
• Bi-Partisan Consolation Prize: anyone named McCain or Palin will get a free Bleacher Seat (Bring your ID on the night of the game)
• A clear-cut Exit Strategy: fans will receive American Flags and discount coupons as they leave the ballpark

 

This is a cute idea, but at the same time I feel that this is somewhat exploitive and a little late for people to get the point.  How many average Americans (such as a Joe the Plumber) are going to remember some of the key storylines from last year’s election?  People will come for the free giveaways, and I can imagine the night being a success and at that a nice marketing approach.

Letterman’s Top 10 1/13/09

Last night’s Top Ten List was: Top Ten Highlights Of My Hall of Fame Baseball Career presented by Jim Rice and Rickey Henderson:

10) ”Winning the MVP in 1978, and a Tony in 1983″ (Jim Rice)
9) ”I designed the first vibrating jockstrap” (Rickey Henderson)
8 ) ”During the 1981 season I lost my glove and played an entire west coast trip using a small box”
(Jim Rice)
7) ”All the free gum” (Rickey Henderson)
6) ”I caught a squirrel in the outfield and the umps let me eat it” (Jim Rice)
5) ”Being a Met, a Blue Jay, a Padre, a Dodger…Hell, even I can’t remember all the teams I played for” (Rickey Henderson)
4) ”Before every game, I ate the same meal: pancakes smothered in pine tar”
(Jim Rice)
3) ”Sleeping with Madonna” (Rickey Henderson)
2) ”Sleeping with Madonna” (Jim Rice)
 1) ”I played with Jose Canseco and never got to inject anything in his ass” (Rickey Henderson)

Letterman’s Top 10 1/12/09

Last night’s Top 10 List was Top Ten Hits for Making it in Hollywood

10) Stay positive; develop your craft…ah, who am I kidding? Work hard sucking up to rich idiots who can help your career.

9) When someone sees one of my movies, I call them at home the next day to thank them

8 ) Four words: Pantene Moisture Renewal Shampoo

7) Don’t hassle the Hoff

6) Make a sex tape. Folks love to see famous people doin’ it

5) Here’s what I did; answered an ad in the newspaper for “movie stars”

4) Get yourself a sneezing monkey

3) Avoid taxes by declaring yourself a church

2) Don’t miss a chance to shamelessly promote your work — and go see the hilarious new film “Marley & Me,” now playing at a theater near you

1) Try to do something funny on Leno

Letterman’s Top 10 1/9/09

Friday night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Signs Your New Year Is Off To A Bad Start” (“Late Show,” CBS, 1/9)

10.) “It’s January 9 and there’s still a fat guy passed out on your sofa from New Years Eve.”

9.) “All the money you didn’t lose in the Ponzi scheme, you bet on the Colts.”

8.) “Regis just moved in next door.”

7.) “Began year in emergency room having novelty ‘2009’ glasses removed from your stomach.”

6.) “Your wife’s resolution was to give up sex, with you.”

5.) “You’re still sitting in your y2k bunker.”

4.) “Company transferred you to an office in Gaza.”

3.) “Somali pirates just stole your Buick.”

2.) “Your cholesterol is higher than the stock market.”

1.) “It’s Friday night and you’re watching Letterman.”

Picture of the Day; January 9th, 2009

Letterman’s Top 10 1/8/09

Last Night’s Top 10 List was: Top Ten Barack Obama Plans To Fix The Economy:

10) Encourage tourists to throw spare change in the Grand Canyon

9) End our dependence on foreign owls

8 ) Sell New Mexico to Mexico

7) Put a little of that bailout money on the Ravens plus 3 at Tennessee. Come on! It’s a mortal lock!

6) Rent out the moon for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs

5) Lotto our way out of this son-of-a-bitch

4) Appear on “Deal or No Deal” and hope to choose the right briefcase

3) Bail out the adult film industry — not sure how it helps, but it can’t hurt

2) Release O.J. from prison, have him steal America’s money from China

1) Stop talkin’ and start Obama-natin’!

What’s going through their minds? 1/8/09 (Meeting of the Presidents’ Edition)

From left to right what each president is either saying or thinking in the above picture:

George H.W. Bush:  Perhaps Barack, you can bring some dignity back to this office like me and Bill had.  I really don’t know what happened to that guy in between you and Bill…P.S.  I am sorry.

Barack Obama:  Umm…I don’t know what to say exactly…I mean I guess the moment I get inaugurated my presidency already has more credibility…

George W. Bush: Why isn’t anyone talking to me?  Daddy, don’t you love me anymore?  Oh well, I hope they have tacos at the luncheon…Tacos So Rule!

Bill Clinton:  Yeah, these guys can all kiss my ass.  Thats right kiss my big white New Yor…I mean Arkansas ass.  I am better looking and more successful than you all will ever be.  God, I got some good memories in this office.

Jimmy Carter: I am just surprised I got an invitation.

Letterman’s Top 10 1/7/09

 Last Night’s Top 10 List was:
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Presidents’ Lunch

10) ”Sorry, you’re not on the list, Mr. Gore”

9) ”If Hillary calls, I’ve been here since Monday”

8 ) ”Laura! More Mountain Dew!”

7) ”You guys wanna see, ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop’?”

6) ”Call the nurse — George swallowed a napkin ring!”

5) ”Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that’s right, you have to work!”

4) ”Kissey kissey”

3) ”Obama? I think he’s downstairs smoking a butt”

2) ”Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?”

1) ”I hope Clinton’s unbuckling his belt because he’s full” 

Quote of the Day 1/7/09

“Commerce Secretary nominee Bill Richardson will not be in the Obama cabinet. Remember last week, they made that announcement? He voluntarily pulled out. He pulled out, which is ironic because John Edwards won’t be in the Obama cabinet because he didn’t pull out.”

-Jay Leno, 1/6/08

Letterman’s Top 10 1/6/09

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Questions” (“Late Show,” CBS, 1/6).

10) “Sup?”

9) “Are you a cop?”

8 ) “Where is the husky section?”

7) “May I call you mommy?”

6) “If we can put a man on the moon, why can’t we make a denture adhesive without the unpleasant aftertaste?”

5) “Why won’t Regis shut up?”

4) “What does it sound like when a monkey sneezes?”

3) “Kisseykissey?”

2) “If I enjoy anonymous airport men’s room sex, does that make me gay?”

1) “Is it January 20th yet?”